5 Pointers on Marriage

Two very good friends of mine are getting married this month (one this morning!), and there’s so so much I want to tell them and encourage them as they start this difficult yet rewarding journey. But they will probably learn most things through trial and error together, which is best anyways.

But I still wanted to share some of the important things I’ve learnt so far.

1.     Jesus First

Jesus (being God) is the creator of marriage, and he holds all things together (Col 1:15-17). It therefore follows that if you want your marriage to be ‘held together’, then you need Jesus; not just in the marriage, but the centre of the marriage.

Sad to say, marriage is temporary. It doesn’t exist in heaven, and we should focus most on storing up treasures that are permanent. The marriage relationship should not be placed over building the Kingdom. A good way to balance this is to understand it as part of Kingdom work, building your spouse and children up in the Lord.

2.     Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

Tried and true. Talk, and talk a lot. Be annoying if you must until you come to a good place of communicating well, ‘well’ being the operative word. Listen actively, and respond appropriately.

There really is no way to do anything in marriage without communicating well. We often think about communication when dealing with problems, but we also need to know how to show love in a way that they will understand, so that your efforts don’t fall on ‘deaf ears’.  Gary Chapman does a wonderful job of breaking this down in a simple, straightforward way in his book The Five Love Languages. For example, if your spouse feels loved by your spending quality time with them but you have been showing love by spending all your time at work, so you can buy gifts, then there’s going to be a large gap that needs to be filled. One spouse will feel unloved, and the other will feel unappreciated.
There is so much more to say about communication, but thankfully, there are many experienced speakers and authors that have covered the topic. Take the time to look into it, and to learn each other well. Everything else will flow smoothly from good communication.

3.       Have (Good) Sex

Sex doesn’t make a marriage work, but it is usually a good indicator of how the marriage is going. Baring health issues, a sex-less marriage probably has other issues that need to be dealt with.

 God created sex only for marriage: For making the two one, bonding them together for enjoyment and for making babies!

Males and females often have different desires and expectations regarding sex, but it is important that both people have open and honest conversations (as often as needed) so that both people are satisfied; neither pressured nor deprived. This may mean a lot more work than it seems, and a lot of tears, but it is worth it. God made this good thing for us, so we should be grateful for and enjoy this good gift. Ask Him to help with this very touchy area (pun intended).

4.       Get rid of the little foxes

In Songs of Solomon 2:15, the man is speaking and wants the little foxes to be caught because they ruin the vineyard. Author Kelvin Mapp explains that the foxes would get into the vineyard while they were small, would eat their full and so be too big to get back out through the way they got in. The foxes were then stuck inside the vineyard and would wreak havoc. The way to deal with it then is to catch the foxes while they are still small, before the vineyard is ruined.
The application for marriage is that the problems should be dealt with while they are small and manageable. This does sometimes feel awkward and annoying, when you have to discuss something that seems insignificant, but it never hurts to have too many conversations. It’s a great idea to even discuss hypothetical situations before they happen, when there are no feelings involved and no one feels attacked.
Some marriages do start with unavoidable baggage, when the foxes are a little bigger and harder to catch. But the sooner they get caught, the better. Just don’t ignore things in the hope that it will get better, or that the other person will figure it out.
One small note: If you treat divorce as if it doesn’t exist (another post?) then you’ll be more likely to work through problems.

5.       Have Blessings

In our over-sexed culture, sex is made to look like an independent act of passion, pretending that children don’t come from sex when in fact sex is the only thing children can come from. Our culture often paints children as a burden, as an expense or as time snatchers that mess up our get-rich (aka career) plans. Newly-weds are often counselled to keep this ‘burden’ at bay for a few years. While it may be a good decision in some cases, it is often for selfish motives why people choose to delay or not have children.
I strongly believe that God did not intend for children to be optional in marriage. (We can dig into that in another post if anyone is interested). And I sometimes wonder if it isn’t better to have children while you are younger and more able to meet the demands of parenthood. But I also wonder if it will be an easier transition when you are less established, and therefore children will be less of a ‘disruption’ to your usual schedule.
I’d like to encourage all soon-to-be married couples (or married couples that haven’t before) to pray about when to have children and how many to have, instead of defaulting to what the world says. God could have quite a different plan for your life than you expected, and as with everything else in your life, He should be in control of it.
Children are a blessing from the Lord.
To the married couples that have been trying to have children, I can never understand what you are going through, but I thank the Lord for your hearts to obey Him and to trust Him through this. Maybe he wants to take you on a higher path of parenting children whose biological parents were not able to. Maybe God wants you to use your time otherwise. Or maybe He will surprise you in His timing. Continue to trust Him, and please forgive the rest of us when we are insensitive.

There’s so much more I could say about marriage, and I didn’t give any kool stories this time. I really just wanted to share what’s on my heart for my friends, for my unmarried family (Lee!) and for whomever else may come across this. Marriage is wonderful, but it requires work to work J
Pray to the Lord of the harvest. He’ll bring to completion what he started. This is the Lord’s doing and it’s marvellous!
VM