Here I sink

-
I feel like Peter right now. I was fine, I knew the Lord pretty well. We had a good thing going on. I had Faith. I stepped out and I was walking strong among the doubters. Then I lost it. How on this earth did I start to sink?!? I knew who He was, I saw him calm a storm before, so I knew that this little wind wasn’t an issue. But here I am, still sinking. And I don’t know what to do. What else can I do? I’m saved sanctified, Holy Ghost filled blah blah blah. But here I sink.

Most of my doubt has to do with God’s Sovereignty. We got a Christmas gift one year with these words inscribed on it: “Faith is not believing God can, it is knowing that He will.” It boggled my mind then I realized that it was incorrect. Can anybody really say what God WILL do? I mean for things he hasn’t explicitly said. I believe His Word and the promises therein, but I cannot say that God will heal a friend’s unfruitful womb, or save a failing marriage. He thinks children are a blessing and He hates divorce, but here these things exist. I know He can, I believe He can, but I know that in His Sovereignty, these things still happen. It is difficult not understanding how He does both at the same time; hates a thing but allows it. And I understand that pull on Eve to know. The fruit was desirable for gaining wisdom. I want to know why. But that would make me like God, and I’m not Him. I may do something stupid if I keep wanting to know everything. But it is so hard and here I sink.

At the end of the month, if I say ‘I hope there’s money in here’, as I walk towards the ATM, if I work for a big corporation, then it’s only a matter of timing. If I work for, say, a missions organization that depends on donations, that ‘Hope’ is a very different thing. In the first instance, I’m pretty sure that I’m getting paid. I know, in theory that the company could go bankrupt and crash and there will be no money there, but I doubt that’s gonna happen. Because I know the company is doing well, etc. That’s the evidence or the substance of what I hope for (Heb 11:1). But when it comes to the missions organization, well, I don’t have much faith in the generosity of the ‘believers’. And so, well, I hope…
So…I hope that God will heal. But it has to be the big organization Hope, because I know for sure that He can. I don’t know if He will. I’ve seen him do it before. That’s not the issue. I sink because this time, His great good will may not work out in my favour.


And here in lies the real issue. My Will or Thy Will. And there is Peter, walking hand in hand with Jesus back to the boat. But here is Peter, hanging upside down dead on a cross. Not saved this time. For God’s good will. All I want to do is understand. But I cannot. All that is left is Faith. I’ve got 66 books worth of evidence so my Hope is well founded, but it is still Hope and not fact because I do not know.
I keep walking because I KNOW that God is good. I KNOW that God loves me and I KNOW that His will and His glory is more important than my own comfort. But Oh, I don’t like it. And here I sink. But He pulls me up.
VM.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dear Non-Homeschooler

-
Image
When someone finds out that I homeschool my children, they usually have lots of questions. Few are curious, most questions show concern for the children's academic wellbeing and (especially) their social life.  I have a few questions for people that don't homeschool their children. In the back of my mind, I think most people just do what is 'normal' and don't actually give these things deep thought. So though this is a bit cheeky, I hope it does make you pause and think about your children and if they are actually receiving the good that you intend for them.  Dear Non-Homeschooler, You send your child to school? Wow! I don't think I could ever have the patience for that! I see a lot of people doing it nowadays though. So how long do you plan to do this for? Even in high school? Oh my.  So, like, what kinds of things do you do to counteract the lack of Godly teaching? Cause that is a lot of ungodliness…not necessarily outright sin, but everything they do, day aft
Read more

Church Membership

-
I had a convo with a guy, yesterday, who told me he loved his Bible and he thought personal salvation was important, but he didn't think is was totally necessary to be attached to a particular church. He bemoaned the many issues and frustrations that come up, which I agreed with. I hate gossip just as much as he did...and that's one thing church people seem to be good at. As much as I could relate to what He was saying, and I could easily go through my head and list issues I have with my own church, I still told him I disagreed. As Mr.Henry preached this week (shout out to the Caribbean Baptist Heritage conference), Salvation and Church Membership have to go together.  And I do mean signing the little paper, not just showing up every week.  It dawned on me how similar the 'I don't need to be a member' arguement sounded to the 'I don't need to get married' arguement - I love the person. My commitment to them won't change whether or not I sig
Read more

2023 and I'm Still Here

-
I've had too many things floating around my head to write a single post on a single topic. Or I get too rambly. So here's a general life update and a few thoughts.  It's the beginning of 2023. I'm a totally different and new person to any I have known before. I've lived through a trauma and I'm getting to see how it has shaped me. The part of me that has emotions was turned off for so long that I feel like an infant learning to walk again; Learning to feel.  And that, coupled with having a daughter has me exploring this idea of differences between males and females. I want to rejoice in the true and beautiful difference that a daughter is from a son. Especially in a world that wants to make it seem like there is no difference. But it is not true, and so I'm on a journey too of self discovery on what makes me, as a woman, unique from the other half of humanity. That, I am excited about learning! So far, I think there's a great mystery in hormones! I had t
Read more